Women don’t get it, men suffer through it, you know when you’ve lost and all you have left is to make sure your buddy comes through with the win.

It’s not fun, but it’s your duty, you’re the wingman. The one half to one hour it costs you is irrelevant. SUCK IT UP NANCY BOY!

So what does it mean to be the wing man? If you’re a guy with any sense of decency, and of course don’t give a fuck what women think (you are a guy right???), you know you’re not getting laid tonight, but your buddy just might…IF not for her cockblocking, jaba the hut, satanic guardian angel. You see her walking for the door, motioning her drunk and horny friend to follow her into the pit of self denial of her longings. She knows the only guy that will pay attention to her is the 52 year old drunk guy at the end of the bar; drinking southern comfort to the point of bobbing his head off the edge of the bar. So to “make things fair for herself” she tries to deny her friend the fruits of a drunken encounter with the man of her sloshed dreams, YOUR buddy.
Your duty, your honor as a man, your cruel punishment for not picking up the other hot chick is to play interference. You know what you have to do, though despising it, you must deflect, mesmerize and possibly sleep with the “Friend”.
You fucked up, but now you have to do the right, but oh so wrong thing.

So….
She’s fat:

Think of the HUGE tits, close your eyes and play with em.

She’s dumb:

You suck at being a wingman, if you can’t just put a sock in her mouth and fuck her to help out a friend…man.

She’s the ugliest women you’ve ever laid eyes on:

Close you’re eyes and pretend it’s not your freshmen year of college in the dorm hall on the 5th floor of Corbet hall at CSU, but it’s your birthday man, and she doesn’t give such bad head as you pretend she’s the sorority chick you saw earlier at the party and DON’T JUDGE ME MAN. Deny ever meeting her the next night, it’s going to take a while to come to terms with shit, but forget, just forget.

-id

I could barely believe this section of a contract I was asked to sign with a straight face:

Contractor agrees to perform, during and after the term of this Agreement, all acts that Company deems necessary or desirable to permit and assist Company, at its expense, in obtaining, perfecting and enforcing the full benefits, enjoyment, rights and title throughout the world in the Company Innovations as provided to Company under this Agreement. If Company is unable for any reason to secure Contractor’s signature to any document required to file, prosecute, register or memorialize the assignment of any rights under any Company Innovations as provided under this Agreement, Contractor hereby irrevocably designates and appoints Company and Company’s duly authorized officers and agents as Contractor’s agents and attorneys-in-fact to act for and on Contractor’s behalf and instead of Contractor to take all lawfully permitted acts to further the filing, prosecution, registration, memorialization of assignment, issuance and enforcement of rights under such Company Innovations, all with the same legal force and effect as if executed by Contractor. The foregoing is deemed a power coupled with an interest and is irrevocable.

In case you can’t read legal-eze this is sorta the legal equivalent of being sodomized with a telephone pole. No, I’m not signing it - not without the KY.

-RSnake

I was seriously in the worst meeting a few months back. Not only was it poorly organized but then at the end the agreed upon next steps really just took the cake. This ridiculousness just never made sense. It was so bad I actually wrote them down to eventually put somewhere. I guess fthe.net is as good a place as any:

Next Steps

• Roll out beta
  
• Study what users want
  
• Develop roadmap
  
• Hire specialists
  
• Develop unified backend
  
• Build phenomenal products
  
• What are success criteria?
  
  • Return users
    
  • Visits
    
  • Become competitive

My personal favorite was “build phenomenal products.” Uhm. Okay. That’s like saying “Step 1) get some paper. Step 2) Use some magic. Step 3) Fly to Mars” What exactly are the phenomenal products exactly? I guess they are pretty awesome with all those specialists we’ve hired after we’ve built out roadmap. There’s no way I could have come up with those next steps! Good thing we have such smart people working for us.

-RSnake

Apparently my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to hire a new security guy for some upcoming work, so he posted on a few job sites and the results are sent to me. Turns out I hate everyone.

Dear person who has no chance of getting hired,

• I don’t give a fuck what your middle name is.
• I’m not reading 6 pages, you’re not that important.
• Try to spell the name of the employer you “worked” at for 4 years correctly.
• Your “Objective” seems to be rather broad for a job listed as “Sr Security Engineer”.

Objective: To contribute as VPE, CTO, principal architect, chief scientist, staff mentor, or hired gun consultant.

• Once again the title is “Sr Security Engineer”, that means don’t email me from your AOL account.
• “System Administration and Network Security” is not a “Professional Association”, it’s a fucking sentence fragment.
• You listed “INTERNATIONAL HACKERS CONFERENCE LAS VEGAS” under “Education”, you mean defcon or blackhat was your professional edumafukincation???
• I understand you may not want to email your resume from your current employer, that’s fine, but if you don’t have at least one external email address you can get securly to, you’re not a “security guy” in the first place, go away.
• We don’t hire one handed engineers, they type half as fast.

SUMMARY OF EXPERIENCE: Over 10 years of Hand - On IT Network Administrator experience

• A Windows 2003 Server logo in your resume is sad, pathetic and worthy of a cock punch.
• Yeah I get it, you’re Chinese and don’t like plural words, but when the proper name of a product contains an “s” at the end, try and fuckin use it.

Network Management Tool: Ciscowork LAN Management Solution, CiscoWork 2000, Cisco Call Manager

• Once afuckinggain how fucking half ass are you to not bother to change your objective to something that kind of sorta just maybe fits the position, this time the job title was “Senior Network Engineer”. LIE TO ME AND PRETEND THAT IS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO.

Career Objective: To broaden expertise and apply my Electrical Engineering skill set in a creative manner to motivate present and future technologies.

• You sent your resume today at 8:38AM, 11:13AM and 5:15PM, I deleted all 3 at 9:22PM.
• If this appears in your resume, you’re not getting hired.

Member of International High IQ Society, USA

• Almost more than anything else, I don’t fucking care what frat house you were in.
• Gee, thanks for telling me about the position your applying for.

The Solution Architect is a sales focused technology specialist who creates great client intimacy by their technical expertise. As well as being viewed as a trusted technical advisor to the client, as a Solution Architect I’m also involved in developing new products and services, by working as the technical arm of the Practice.

• Yes, it’s a technical resume, but this is just dumb

LANGUAGES: Spanish = Fluent

• Is English that hard of a language? “and Linux in LAN”? wtf?

Have worked extensively for Troubleshooting and Designing networks comprising of Windows 2000/NT, Novell NetWare, and Linux in LAN as well as WAN.

• Use words that are words please.

Troubleshooting, upgradation of system hardware as and when required.
Upgradation of System BIOS and firmware with latest available version.

• It’s 2006, don’t put “proficient with a hammer” on your resume

DOS 5.x 6.x.

• No, the word “Senior” implies that it didn’t start there, you’ve just had an inflated sense of importance from the start

My technical career started in 1985 as a Senior Field Engineer

• You worked for a company called “GetRelevant” during dot com, you obviously have bad judgment…maybe that’s why your job title goes from VP to manager?

• Well I have Remarkable knowledge on breathing

Remarkable knowledge on FTP

• In professional communications do not email me using IRC slang

Pls find the profile of our consultant Jane Doe for QA positions

I’ll keep adding the foolishness as it comes in…

-id

Yes, I got this email today…

Hi team,

In a few cases recently, the management team in XXXXX has had difficulty understanding the meaning of some of your written communications. After considering this for a few days, I think I now understand what is happening. So please consider the following suggestions:

When you are writing to another engineer, you may continue use “engineer speak”
- abbreviations
- acronyms
- mis-spellings
- incomplete sentences.

When you are writing to anyone in management, you must always use “management speak”
- be sure to communicate the complete thought; write so that anyone could understand the subject, action, and status.
- avoid abbreviations, spell each word fully
- define all acronyms before using them
- spell each word correctly (always use the spell checker)
- use complete, properly-formed sentences.

-id

I finally determined it was time for me to get a gmail account, not so much because I give a shit about gmail, but because “Sorry, you’re going to need a Gmail account.”. Why I needed the page creator I may reveal at a later date…

So, I look for where I can sign up, should be easy enough…right? There’s the option for signing up with my mobile phone, and um…oh, that’s the only option. No way a sane person would, but I wanted to know more about it, and why they thought it would be a good idea.

Click to enlarge

I see, all I have to do is give them my phone number, and they will just send me an activation code, easy! And look, they were nice enough to check the box to associate my account with my number automatically! Wow, google thinks of everything for me.

Click to enlarge

If you read through that shit they say they will not save your number if you ask them not to, what they mean is they will not save it with your account, but they save your number anyway in another part of the database so it can be compared against the number of accounts using it…OH, so it is still fucking linked to your account.

Hey, can I borrow your phone for a minute?

-id

Flying along, listening to a screaming baby for the 3rd hour straight, I decided that air travel is really one of the single most annoying things in modern day business life. The problem is there’s really no good place to sit as a business traveler. In fact, it’s one of the most painful experiences you’ll go through if you’re anything like me.

I just can’t take it anymore. And now, on top of all of it, I can’t even joke about it anymore.

There’s not a single location on the plane that allows a weary traveler relief from the crazy people who fly. Here are the pros and cons of each seat location:

Click to enlarge
United Boeing 757 Seating Chart

Aisle seats (C & D):

• Pros: You get easy access to the bathroom and a little more room with your arms.
  
• Cons: Enjoy as the people in your row do acrobatics over you to get back in their seats after using the restroom. Also, have fun when the incompetant stewards smash their carts into your elbows.
  
• Worst experience: I ended up sitting next to a really crazy guy who wouldn’t shut up about the wireless company he worked for. Then he whips out soup on the plane. No kidding, soup! In tupperware. I warn him not to spill his soup on me. Half way through the flight what did he do? He spilled soup all over himself, me, the floor, his laptop and it started draining down towards the back of the plane. The entire plane smelled like soup. Ugh. Soup.
  

Window seat (A & F):

• Pros: You get to see what’s going on, and of course you can put your head against the window and get some vaguely good sleep.
  
• Cons: If you have to use the restroom you’ll have to get over the behemoth next to you and the old woman who can barely stand on her own.
  
• Worst experience: I was sitting in the corner and next to me was this woman and next to her was her little girl. The girl was fussing and the woman was vaguely appoligetic. Eventually she decided to switch seats with her abnoxious kid. Why, I’ll never know. Then the kid laid down on her side and proceeded to kick me for the remainder of the four hour flight. Kick. Kick. Kick.
  

Center seats (B & E):

• Pros: I’m not immediately aware of any major pros, unless you happen to inadvertantly be booked on a flight with the Swedish bikini team.
  
• Cons: Substitute the Swedish bikini team with two insanely overweight and unbathed sisters who happen to be very talkative but don’t want to switch seats to be closer together.
  
• Worst experience: I was on a cross country flight and the guy in the window seat wanted to get up, but did so rather suddenly and managed to splash fruit cocktail all over my crotch.
  

Front seats (9-15):

• Pros: You get off the plane first.
  
• Cons: You board last.
  
• Worst experience: Because I was essentially the last person on the plane I had to check my bag, only after going up and down the plane before realizing there wasn’t a single place to fit my bag. Then I had to wait with my bag in the aisle for about 10 minutes until they got someone from maintence to come and grab it, making me look like a total moron.
  

Back seats (27-34):

• Pros: You board first and you don’t have to check your bag.
  
• Cons: You have to wait untill every single dumbass gets their slow ass off the plane.
  
• Worst experience: I got the seat in the very back once and somehow the toilet got clogged by one of the hippos they let on the plane. Let’s just say the smell was something that could bring tears to your eyes.
  

You’d think first class was the place to be, but even there I managed to sit behind a crazy woman who lost her watch and wanted to strip search the whole plane because she couldn’t find it. Of course I was immediately behind her so she suspected me the most.

You’d think getting to your destination early would be better, but that assumes the gate is clear. If it isn’t you could end up sitting on the tarmac for an hour waiting. At least in the air you can use the toilet, but not when you’re on the ground. Cuz… that would be dangerous, or something.

Then there’s Southwest Airlines who manages to up the bad airline experience even more by making passengers sit backwards and look at the shmucks facing the other way for hours.

Next time I’m walking.

-RSnake

Have you ever tried to cut and paste anything into Yahoo/AIM/ICQ/MSN, etc…? More than likely you’ll get a ton of random happyfaces throughout whatever you are attempting to show your friend. Well I’m sure it’s bad with any of those but Trillian has got them all beat. Why? Because it combines all of them into one. Why, oh why:

Click to enlarge

I cannot fathom a reason I would need to have so many emoticons. And now you are rightfully saying, “Turn them off, dumbass.” Yes, but then while I am talking to my girlfriend she is typing things like, (@) and I have no clue what that means (it’s a cat for all those who haven’t played with Trillian). Why do I need to know it’s a cat? Because otherwise I spend at least a few seconds typing out something like this:

RSnake’s girlfriend: (@)
RSnake: WTF is a parentheses at parentheses?
RSnake’s girlfriend: its a cute kitty cat
RSnake: Stupid Yahoo emoticons.
RSnake’s girlfriend: (@) actually doesnt do anything in yahoo
RSnake: oh
RSnake’s girlfriend: i just know its a kitty
RSnake’s girlfriend: cos kitties are important.
RSnake’s girlfriend:
RSnake: I want the last 20 seconds of my life back.

It’s simply not worth my time to deal with that. It’s faster to write this rant, believe it or not, given how many smileys are out there. And by the way, since when is a cat an emotion? Hasn’t this all gone too far? Yes, I’m stuck in a world of smiley faces and ROFLs and other whathaveyous. Feel for me.

-RSnake

Fuck “Ads By Yahoo!” for not reading our disclaimer at the end

Click to enlarge

-id

This is when otherwise professional business people go bad. I am on a fairly boring mailing list for a company I used to work for. Mostly it is just people bitching about the way the company treated them before laying them off or posting job openings for people who are out of work. But every once in a while it becomes totally worth reading. The names, places and people have been edited to protect the guilty.

First email from Todd Bailey:

Howdy all…

Wanted to interupt the endless stream of job postings and let you know that Sarah Edwards and I (Todd Bailey) are about to tie the knot this Saturday in lovely __City__, Ca. I guess now I can’t say I left __The Company__ empty-handed… especially since we have twins due in July!

The twins (according to the doc) look like a boy and a girl and are dueJuly 31st.

Life is good.

-Todd

Second email from Alex Edwards (who happens to run the alumni list):

Uh…ahem…this just goes to show that the value of __The Company__ Alumni network goes FAR beyond ordinary business. Just think, Todd didn’t leave the company empty handed, he ended up with way more than half of my money from there too. Congratulations Todd!

Seriously, enjoy the kids if you can. They’re worth more than money. Watch out for that mother in law though…

-Alex

P.S. For all the rest of you who weren’t at the comapny and have no idea what I just said, right as I was hired at __The Company__, I married (at a young and impulsive time of my life) Sarah Edwards, who later joined __The Company__. As I am not from __midwest state__, the ex-wife Sarah Edwards should not be confused with the other Sarah Edwards, who is my sister, and also worked at __The Company__ at the same time with the same title in the same group.

An interesting __Company__ story arose from this…when my sister got laid off, someone in IT or HR got confused by the identical names and accidentally inactivated my then-wife’s ID card and email account, terminated her 401k, and canceled her insurance. The ex-wife Sarah and I divorced in early 2004, immediately after which I danced a jig and traveled much of Asia, while she and Todd started dating. The rest is history…

ok, back to the endless stream of job postings…

Third email from Todd Bailey, again:

Don’t really know how to respond to that… BUT sorry the whole list had to hear such personal things about private matters. I seem to remember Alex posting about his divorce, so a wedding announcement is hardly out of line. Thanks for making it special Alex.

-Todd

p.s. Sarah’s mom is a sweet 75 year old lady who I will be proud to call mother-in-law.

I guess Alex won’t be getting a X-mas card this year.

-RSnake