Re: Your Resume
Apparently my boss thought it would be a good idea for me to hire a new security guy for some upcoming work, so he posted on a few job sites and the results are sent to me. Turns out I hate everyone.
Dear person who has no chance of getting hired,
- I don’t give a fuck what your middle name is.
- I’m not reading 6 pages, you’re not that important.
- Try to spell the name of the employer you “worked” at for 4 years correctly.
- Your “Objective” seems to be rather broad for a job listed as “Sr Security Engineer”.
Objective: To contribute as VPE, CTO, principal architect, chief scientist, staff mentor, or hired gun consultant.
- Once again the title is “Sr Security Engineer”, that means don’t email me from your AOL account.
- “System Administration and Network Security” is not a “Professional Association”, it’s a fucking sentence fragment.
- You listed “INTERNATIONAL HACKERS CONFERENCE LAS VEGAS” under “Education”, you mean defcon or blackhat was your professional edumafukincation???
- I understand you may not want to email your resume from your current employer, that’s fine, but if you don’t have at least one external email address you can get securly to, you’re not a “security guy” in the first place, go away.
- We don’t hire one handed engineers, they type half as fast.
SUMMARY OF EXPERIENCE: Over 10 years of Hand - On IT Network Administrator experience
- A Windows 2003 Server logo in your resume is sad, pathetic and worthy of a cock punch.
- Yeah I get it, you’re Chinese and don’t like plural words, but when the proper name of a product contains an “s” at the end, try and fuckin use it.
Network Management Tool: Ciscowork LAN Management Solution, CiscoWork 2000, Cisco Call Manager
- Once afuckinggain how fucking half ass are you to not bother to change your objective to something that kind of sorta just maybe fits the position, this time the job title was “Senior Network Engineer”. LIE TO ME AND PRETEND THAT IS WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO.
Career Objective: To broaden expertise and apply my Electrical Engineering skill set in a creative manner to motivate present and future technologies.
- You sent your resume today at 8:38AM, 11:13AM and 5:15PM, I deleted all 3 at 9:22PM.
- If this appears in your resume, you’re not getting hired.
Member of International High IQ Society, USA
- Almost more than anything else, I don’t fucking care what frat house you were in.
- Gee, thanks for telling me about the position your applying for.
The Solution Architect is a sales focused technology specialist who creates great client intimacy by their technical expertise. As well as being viewed as a trusted technical advisor to the client, as a Solution Architect I’m also involved in developing new products and services, by working as the technical arm of the Practice.
- Yes, it’s a technical resume, but this is just dumb
LANGUAGES: Spanish = Fluent
- Is English that hard of a language? “and Linux in LAN”? wtf?
Have worked extensively for Troubleshooting and Designing networks comprising of Windows 2000/NT, Novell NetWare, and Linux in LAN as well as WAN.
- Use words that are words please.
Troubleshooting, upgradation of system hardware as and when required.
Upgradation of System BIOS and firmware with latest available version.
- It’s 2006, don’t put “proficient with a hammer” on your resume
DOS 5.x 6.x.
- No, the word “Senior” implies that it didn’t start there, you’ve just had an inflated sense of importance from the start
My technical career started in 1985 as a Senior Field Engineer
- You worked for a company called “GetRelevant” during dot com, you obviously have bad judgment…maybe that’s why your job title goes from VP to manager?
- Well I have Remarkable knowledge on breathing
Remarkable knowledge on FTP
- In professional communications do not email me using IRC slang
Pls find the profile of our consultant Jane Doe for QA positions
I’ll keep adding the foolishness as it comes in…
-id
December 15th, 2006 at 10:21 am
LMAO. These are great. More plz!
December 17th, 2006 at 10:06 pm
It’s “pls,” actually…
January 1st, 2007 at 6:59 pm
nah its pls ploxx!
January 11th, 2007 at 12:48 am
very funny rant
remarkable knowledge of ftp eh? you should ask him what a topsite is and if he answers correctly hire him *immediately*
January 30th, 2007 at 4:38 am
FUT - way dos my resumay always turn up everyware?
“you speak little - I no hear you”
February 11th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
hahaha this is f*cking hilarious. keep ‘em coming
April 17th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
I’m crying this is so funny. If you are still looking I’m an expert with Window for Workgroup 3.11
Thanks for the post.
May 15th, 2007 at 7:00 am
rofl.. sad, but true. I love it when hr will screen them for you and then send the cream of the crop to interview. I have had people dressed like they were heading for vacation or the best is when they speak slang or some other non-english language.
May 16th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
This is too damn funny… please keep posting the BS. =)
January 5th, 2008 at 8:52 pm
Are those excerpts from my resume and if so am I that transparent that you see right through me. FYI……..
My Career Objective: To fulfill my life long dream of never having to get out of bed while collecting a steady paycheck between naps. Eyes open, eyes close.
June 26th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
lmao… i worked in Linux in WAN… never heard of Linux in LAN?
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:40 am
“Have worked extensively for Troubleshooting and Designing networks comprising of Windows 2000/NT, Novell NetWare, and Linux in LAN as well as WAN.”
I think it’s funny that you nailed them for “Linux in LAN” but not “networks comprising of” (comprise should be past tense). Not to mention the networks are made of up things that are in networks.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:21 am
Interesting points. Funny, you should feel 3 feet high. Give these applicants a break? Nah! You’re really angry because your boss is doing the hiring and you’re getting the shaft by asking you for a suggested new hire. Here is whats happening. The new applicant is getting paid more than you. That’s what-the-f* is all about. And you’re angry. Lets see how long this msg stays on your board (the boss). This board really serves as an outlet to let the world know just how pethatic your life after work really is. You were’nt given a chance and so you pass on the same to a new hire. Nope! I’m not your boss, but if I were and I read this crap- I would fire your*SS. I’d rather you say thank you, either way- I don’t give a *am. BTW- I am your boss and I’ll see you on monday, in my office and if I’m not alone WHEN I see you, it’s because you’re pretty- I’m going to fire your *SS. Have a nice day.
October 21st, 2008 at 11:35 am
You seem angry James, was your resume up there?
At the time this person would have worked under me as I was director of consulting. I now own my own company, and I still wouldn’t hire anyone who’s resume looked like these.
October 28th, 2008 at 8:12 am
“A Windows 2003 Server logo in your resume is sad, pathetic and worthy of a cock punch.”
Here, here! I’ll drink to that!
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:47 am
So the point is to keep it simple. Agreed.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
” id Says:
I now own my own company, and I still wouldn’t hire anyone who’s resume looked like these.”
I wouldn’t hire anyone who didn’t know the difference between “who’s” and “whose”. : P lol
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
OH NO, I made a typo in a comment, I’ll quit the internet now.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Nice comeback
But a lot of native English speakers - many with college degrees — don’t seem to know the difference, or the right way to use “its” / “it’s”. Funny - writing computer code forbids a single syntax error, but people don’t apply the same standards to English. Okay, I’ve vented, and I feel sooo much better! 
On a somewhat more serious note:
” * It’s 2006, don’t put “proficient with a hammer” on your resume
DOS 5.x 6.x.”
I’m sitting here with a box OEM-preloaded with XP SP2, and in c:\windows\system there is a file setup.inf. Curious, I open it in Notepad, and it’s … OMG, it’s the setup instructions for Win 3.1! So we’re in, what, 1992? Perhaps M$ thinks we might want to install it as a backup if XP fails, or to run all those 3.x apps I have lying around
So, maybe give the DOS guy a break? — if M$ thinks 3.1 is important for us to have and know, then maybe knowing DOS 5-6 is equally important 
BTW, open it and you’ll find not only memories, but some amusing typos and comments (search “directoy”, “desctiption”, and especially, “pig”). Can anyone with Vista tell me if it’s still there? Can anyone tell me why it’s in XP?
March 22nd, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Just came across this, fucking brilliant
“upgradation” is my favourite
June 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Just checked on Vista, no setup.inf anywhere under C:\Windows